I Never Knew the Fight Would Be This Hard

When I was first diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer I never knew the fight would be this long or this hard. Even after I was told the Cancer had metastasized to two other places in my body, and had begun to travel elsewhere I still never knew how much fight I would need to not be defeated, and I had no idea the pain would be this strong, the loss so great, or the fight so permeable into the rest of my existence. We all live in chapters, and this next chapter I am beginning is a scary one, and maybe the hardest part yet is finding where you fit in after treading water for such an extensive period of time.

I am waiting on results from a CT scan on a spot found on my Thyroid. Yesterday on my way to a job interview I heard on the radio that there is an increase in Thyroid Cancer in women as a result of all the radiation given to individuals through CT scans and X rays. I am sure you know where my head was after wrestling with that fun fact, and recalling all the radiation I’ve been given. After my interview my phone rang  while I was getting into my car. It was the chemo nurse telling me my white cell counts and hemo-something(jk) were really good. I asked about my Thyroid scan. She said there is definitely something there, but doesn’t necessarily appear Cancerous. Her final thoughts on the matter was that my Oncologist would need to call me after reviewing the pictures.

After getting home I received word that although my job interview went well they would be requiring second interviews. Something I should probably rejoice in, but ultimately brings on an overwhelming since of defeat. You see, the Chinese proverb of “when you get knocked down seven times you stand up eight”, is being fully realized in my quest to find where I fit in while I still have time on this Earth. My friend reminded me today that there are many who would give anything for the opportunity to continue to fight, and so for those without that opportunity, and for myself, that is exactly what I plan to do. It’s hard to deal with the feelings that come when something feels right, but  continues to come up wrong, but I am repeatedly given the opportunity to relearn the lesson of letting Him be Enough in the experiences we face whether filled with light or darkness.

 I  continually remind myself that God is the one who gives me the strength to keep standing  even when I am persistently knocked down, and will prove He is the source of my fighting spirit as I face the chemo room for another round today.