I have been blessed throughout this life, so I can’t complain, however fighting cancer is hard. I’m giving myself permission to be sad about my cancer diagnosis as my family and friends watch my health decline rapidly and reminding myself that I have a right to be anxious and afraid about facing the chemo room some days. I also struggle with those reality moments Cancer forces you to endure and yet I see how those”reality moments”  allow me  greater appreciation and perspective for the beauty of this life; Hope or a Silver Lining of sorts that God paints the darkness with.My current reality is,  I have been battling and living with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, and receiving the treatment to match that diagnosis. The reality is I am learning my body is susceptible to the hardships we’ve been told would come with treatment, and  it is difficult to grasp doing three more cycles when I have experienced so much sickness and pain. I have been told that the halfway point is when you really start to “feel it”, and  I do feel it! I am feel it so much that I am beginning to think about revolting. I am only kidding, I could never just give up, but doesn’t life on this Earth make it easy to want to sometimes?

The reality is I have Cancer, and my husband  Benjamin and I have
tackled and wrestled with this reality, but I will never forget the moment it
really hit us. It came relatively late in this journey considering our first
meeting with the Oncologist was 11/30, and that day we were clearly told “you
can and likely will die from this diagnosis”. Death is that often unspoken awareness that comes with Cancer and based on previous experience Benjamin and I have a keen awareness of the grief that accompanies cancer.

 There have been a lot of  “moments” during this fight where the reality of it all has really hit us, but none like Valentine’s Day 2013.  I had completed my second cycle and had enough energy to ride in the car to pick up Chinese take out with my sweetheart and take it home to watch a movie. As we were pulling out of the parking lot and headed back home, I heard a song on the radio and so I turned it up. It was Adele “Someone Like You”, the song is a powerful break up song, but at that moment it was like I really heard the lyrics. Adele sang out, “I heard that you are settled down, that you found a girl, and your married now, I heard that your dreams came true….”

As I heard Adele sing those words my mind and heart immediately ached and I thought,  “If God doesn’t heal me, I want to be in Heaven and hear that my Benjamin found someone to help him and make him happy”.  As I began to become tearful  the verse rang out “I wish nothing but the best for you, don’t forget me, I remembered you said sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”. Quickly I was moved to tears, and realized I wasn’t going to be able to hide them any longer. At that moment we were driving by the cemetery we where earlier I had seen a man seated
next to his Valentine’s grave in a white lawn chair.

I decided in that moment that it was easier to tell Ben about the image I had seen at the cemetery than the real reason for my tears. Hearing the story of a man sitting by his sweetie’s grave moved us both to tears and into an instant where God allowed us to have a heartfelt conversation about the reality of Cancer. With tear soaked eyes we made our way off the road and to a place we could watch the sunset that God had shaped into a pink heart on this Valentine’s Day evening just for us.

Watching the sunset I told Benjamin the real reason I had began to cry over the words of the Adele song. Neither one of us could hold back a flood of tears at this point as it was extremely hard and emotional for both of us to think about. I don’t want to think about that, but I also know this world is but a snapshot of the eternity believers in Jesus are promised. Benjamin and I’s faith reminds us that we have hope in Heaven where we will see our loved ones again someday!As a dear friend once said, “love is eternal” and my love for my husband will remain forever!